Wednesday, February 22, 2017


Never feeling wholesome regardless of the people around Always feeling alone, even in the loudest of sound The roar of my heart is much louder than the love of anyone around me I can't stop my mind from pacing, it's like a veil is over my eyes and I cannot see Beside me Is the truth That I am unalone My Creator has given me the proof Yet I walk around like a child who just learned how to Grabbing at everything I see not caring if I don't know how to Work what's in my hands, and I feel like I have no parents to tell me how to Use what is in my hands. I am at the end of my wits So many people hurt by my childish games Names change but the emotions have always been the same I pray today I let go of my ego Leto go of my will Will I ever feel love? Yes Today is the day That I carry on, not feeling bad for myself Understanding being negative in my bank account doesn't affect my wealth That being disruptive at my job doesn't affect my health spiritually but mentally eventually I will learn how to navigate with the grace of my Creator placing fourth the guide I will ride into the next life, head up high But until the destination is met i mustn't get upset feet firmly planted heart full of anguish I will look in the mirror I will make my salah I will live in the name of my Creator I will, for what it is worth begin to walk unafraid but just curious, with no foolish pride but just a curiosity of how to naviagate without hurting others without hurting myself with finding my spirits and loving myself.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Dear Melanie,

Your honesty and self reflection is beautiful. For what its worth, no one else can write this story like you, as it is YOUR story. So you've been gifted withe ability to flip the negatives to positives. I too can be a great friend and easily dismiss people. I'm learning though. I saw in a movie last night, a Hawaiian princess cried because her uncle died. The aunt and Queen reminded her its important that we always make time for the living. And who are the living? Those who love you. Those who make you smile, make you think, those who appreciate you. Love you Melanie (you, the reader. You, yourself Joshua) Thanks for making time for me, because that's helped keep me living.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

How To Move Forward

I forgot my writing book in the cafe.

I knew I could replace it, but I felt irresponsible.

I called one of the barista's and they hadn't seen it.

Tomorrow I would just buy a new book.

Henry (a barista) called me back, they found it.


I was happy they found it, but more happy that I lost it.

I didn't care too deeply.

I went into the cafe today and ate breakfast.

I enjoyed it so much, it may become a new routine.

Today I learned leaving stuff behind isn't always so bad.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dear Josh

Life is too short for violence.

Violence toward ourselves. Violence toward others.

Petty disagreements take time. Time away from Love, from health.

The heart is to be nurtured. Proper nutrition. Both the food we put in and the ideas we allow in.

I am an addict, but I connect. People, events, realities.

I am by no means perfect, I have hurt many.

We all want joy. We all want to be loved. We all want to be hugged.

When you feel angst toward someone, remember they too desire love.

Step back if you must, or embrace them tightly.

Do not complain about either choice. Do not put that on anyone else.

Create, love, uplift.

Support your brother and sister, do not tear the down.

Do not invest in anger, it's simply an emotion. It comes and goes, acknowledge it.

Learn from it Then find a way to help someone else up the mountain. Spend your life at the base and continue turning around helping everyone up. Plenty of people have done it for you.

I love you.


How Chess Teaches You Survival

"If you take a nigga's Queen, you taking his bitch, watch him fall apart" -- The RZA speaking on Chess and life.
I have two friends that I know if I take their Queen's, its almost guaranteed they will begin giving up pieces out of frustration.

The Queen is a powerful piece, but it isn't necessary to win a game.
Nor does it determine defeat.
I've lived life like this many times before.
I lose a love, I dislike my job, I stop speaking to a friend.
I give it all up.
Chess is great because it trains you to kill with out having to kill anyone.
More importantly, it teaches you how to survive.
You can't always win, the real world just doesn't work this way.
But if you are skilled in survival, chances are, you can learn.
White belts in Jiu Jitsu are told breathe, relax, and listen.

No point in trying to beat a more experienced jiu jitsu/chess player yet.
You learn to survive. Then you can breathe. 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out.
Now you have time to think. Calculate. Take less risks.
I just beat my other friend in chess for the first time. We've played over 40 games maybe. I'll take the 1-40 proudly.
I had to survive through his fast paced attacking in order to understand the game better.
Now I'm a slightly better chess player.
So I think today I'll sit all my inner demons across from me over a chess board, and simply try to survive.
Who knows, maybe I'll win a game or two.

Dear Nicole

Sorry if I've ever lied to you. I lied a lot to myself, so I hope you don't take it personal.
"You're not the Josh I knew a year ago, and it sucks to find out this way."
We're never different people. She just got to see the real actions. The same actions I made at 14, 19, 21, now 26.
Actions that hurt myself. Hurt others. I woke up today and instantly felt grateful. That wasn't the case before.
Hopefully we'll be friends again. And you'll be okay with the real me. The real me doesn't like hurting people. The real me wants to stop lying.
Today the real me is being honest.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

"You're just a confused, selfish human being. I don't hate you."

Those were her words to me.

I've been in love three times now. I became suicidal after the first two, and I suppose I have too after this time as well. Except now I'm really trying. Trying to bury the old me. Or current me.

I don't believe I'm a bad person, I just keep making the same mistake over and over.

And it hurts. It hurts me. It hurts the people around me. It hurts my opportunities to be happy.

She said it was a blessing. It's brought her new friendships and relationships. Good for her.

Maybe I can do that for more people without lying to, hurting, and disappointing them first.
Maybe burying myself isn't so bad.

I woke up today. My name is Josh. I am an addict and an author.

I hope my writing can make you smile today without hurting you tomorrow.